Well, a thing has occurred.
I sent my father a Christmas gift. Belated, because why send it on-time?, and it was delivered to his mailbox today.
Yes, you are seeing that photo correctly (unless it is not there yet, in which case dang, you got to it in the time between publishing from my laptop and editing from my phone): His gift was the poetry book I wrote all about him.
I packaged it as a little bit of a jokey-joke (you can see the video about it in my TikTok here) and thought I might let it sit until the label was deleted by USPS but surprisingly, I found myself slipping it into the mailbox the very next day.
I held a lot of guilt watching the tracking update. I knew the book might make him really upset, and I don’t want my father to be upset. I am not sure what I want him to be.
Aware. I want him to be aware.
I worry he won’t even care, that it won’t bother him at all.
I can almost hear him saying things like,
‘you’re acting so entitled’
‘you’re being dramatic’
‘you’re acting like your mom‘
and I realise maybe I don’t care if it bothers him?
Maybe I hope it does?
Because why was I embarrassed and ashamed my whole life for being beaten and neglected as a child?
Why do I care about him being upset about some poetry when he didn’t care as I lay in my bed some nights, bloodied and bruised by his hands, in piss-soaked sheets, with probable brain-damage, unable to even cry because I was so empty inside?
The last time my father gave me a Christmas gift was . . . so long ago I don’t even remember when it was. I can recall bringing home macaroni pictures or giving him hand-drawn cards; this year, he got a final hand-made gift from me.
I hope he appreciates it.
Love, a Fatherless Daughter ❤️
This collection of blog posts will include poetry, retellings, introspection, and train-of-thought additions until I decide I have got it all out and can breathe. I recently published a poetry book which coincides, ‘My Father, the Mountain’ — you can find more information and follow the blog at www.faunalewiswrites.com
Fauna Lewis Writes 